Lacey Borrows/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Okay, you make this shot, you buy me lunch. Davis Quinton: No, no. I make this shot, I win. You buy me lunch. Hank: No. I'm saying if you make it, you buy me lunch. Davis: I got to make you lunch? Hank: Buy. If you make it. Davis: Why would I do that? If I make it, I win. Hank: Big talk. Let's see ya back it up. Davis: Well, just let me do the shot. Okay, I didn't make it. Who buys who lunch? Hank: I'll buy you lunch, you buy mine. Emma Leroy: Here. We're returning this movie. Brent Leroy: Yeah? How did you enjoy Blood of the Cursed? What kinda movie is that? Wanda Dollard: Well, it's hard to tell. The title's so ambiguous. Brent: I know what kind it is. I didn't know my parents liked slasher movies. Emma: Oh, I like a little scare every now and then, that's not marriage related. Oscar Leroy: Stupid movie. Buncha kids camping in a haunted house. Emma: How would you know? You were asleep. Oscar: I read the box. Wanda: I love the part where they're making out and the killer sneaks up behind him and digs a meat hook into the guy's chest, and then it comes out through the girl's neck. Oscar: Bo-ring. Horror movies are stupid. Name one good horror movie you've seen. Brent: I can't. Oscar: See? They're all stupid. Brent: No, I've just never seen one. Emma: Oh, you haven't lived until you've seen power tools cut a teenager in half. Brent: I took shop class. Wanda: That's pathetic. You mean you never took a girl to a drive-in to see a scary movie? Brent: Yeah. But I didn't see the movie, if you know what I mean. Brent: Sorry that took so long. They kept running out relish. What did I miss? Girl circa 1984: The movie. Brent: And the rest is none of your beeswax. Wanda: He's not the kind to burp and tell. Lacey Burrows: I can't believe it. In my own restaurant, right under my nose. My jacket is gone. Hank: I was here the whole time, eatin' lunch. Lacey: Davis? Davis: The sandwich is great. Thanks. Lacey: It was right over there. Hank: Sometimes the easiest crimes to commit happen right in front of your eyes. Makes you feel like an idiot, huh? Lacey: Davis, aren't you going to do something? Hank: Whoa, hey, give the man a break. He's in a high stress job. He needs time to recharge. Lacey: Oh, this sucks. You know you think you're safe because you live in a small town. And then Karen takes your jacket. Karen took my jacket? Who do you call when a cop steals your stuff? Karen Pelly: Davis stole something? Davis: Two more bites and I'm on it. Hank: Geez, Lacey, how come you're so stingy with the fries? Karen: I'm sorry I took your jacket. I had to run out for a second. I didn't think it was a big deal. Lacey: Well, it wouldn't be, except this jacket was a gift. Karen: I was with you when you bought it. Lacey: A gift to myself. You know, people who borrow things usually ask first. It's called respect between friends. Karen: Oh, you mean you and me? Lacey: I thought we trusted each other. Karen: We do. Enough that we can lend and borrow things without asking. Lacey: So I could borrow anything of yours, anytime, no questions asked? Karen: By all means. Oh, I found your wallet in your jacket pocket. I borrowed ten bucks. Oscar: Afraid to watch a scary movie. How could we raise such a wimp? You know who I blame? Emma: I blame myself. Oscar: Oh. I was gonna blame the hippies. But if you want to take the rap, fine. Emma: It's not too late to do the right thing, turn our boy into a man. Brent: But I don't wanna see a horror movie. Oscar: Ditch your diapers, crybaby. Time to become a man. Brent: I'm already a man. Emma: You're seeing the movie. Brent: Yes, Mom. Wanda: You guys renting a horror movie? Count me in. Brent: Are ya sure? It'll make ya man. Wanda: That's what they said about tennis, and I turned out fine. Hank: Hey, sorry I took so long. It was under the seat of my truck. Davis: I don't need your cell phone. You were supposed to go get your debit card and buy my lunch. Hank: Oh, right. It's out in my truck somewhere. Davis: Why don't you carry a wallet, like everyone else? Hank: Wow, you're right. This solves all my problems. Davis: It sure does. Hank: Nah, I'm not really a wallet guy. Davis: You were out there rootin' around in your truck for ten minutes. If you do that five times a day, multiplied by 365 days, for 36 years, you'd have wasted...twelve years in your life. Hank: 12 years? Davis: Or is it 12 days? Hank: Wow, that's 12 years I can't get back. Davis: I don't think I carried the four. Hank: That's birth to grade six, gone. Well, grade five twice. Davis: Anyways, it's something you should think about. Hank: Maybe I should park closer. Davis: Think more about it. Hank: Yeah, okay. Davis: Now, about lunch. Hank: We just ate. Wanda: Maybe as a child you had a scary experience you're suppressing. Brent: Maybe. You've met my Dad, right? Wanda: True. Maybe we should go with somethin' light. Ah, how about this? Brent: Scream Fest is light? What is it, a romantic romp? Wanda: How about Hell Train? A buncha people trapped on a possessed train. Based on a true story. Brent: Satan's locomotive? Wanda: Ah, Dr. Murder Blood? Brent: Is that the sequel to Mr. Murder Blood Goes to Medical School? Wanda: You really don't want to do this, do you? Brent: Hey, Garfield. Wanda: All right. Davis: Whoa, check out Mr. Pockets. Hank: What you said earlier really opened my eyes. No more storin' stuff in my truck, no more wasted time. Karen: It's like if Batman wore pants, these would be the pants he'd wear. Davis: Batman would never wear pants. Hank: I've got a pocket for my cell phone. Uh, my flashlight's down here. There's even a secret pocket. Davis: Oh, yeah? Where's that? Hank: It's right...oh. Ho-ho-ho, ya almost got me. Okay, no, no. Anything ya need, I'm wearin' it. Come on, try me. Davis: Okay. You got any gum? Hank: Uh, no. Karen: How about a pen? Davis: Cough drops? Matches? Karen: Tweezers? Hand lotion? Hank: No. No. But check it out. I got a cork and this really cool rock. Davis: You're an embarrassment to your pants. Hank: No, no, no, no. Hey, look. Look. Huh? You didn't even look at the cork. Lacey: Hi, Oscar. Hey, Emma. Emma: Hi. Lacey: Ooo, looks like someone's havin' a party. Oscar: Yeah. A turn-our-son-into-a-man party. Lacey: Brent's having a bar mitzvah? Emma: No. We're showing him a scary movie. He's too sensitive or something. I blame the hippies. Lacey: Well, I'm glad his journey into adulthood will include Yummy Gums. Oscar: Those are for me. Emma: I like your sunglasses. Lacey: Oh. Thank you. They're Karen's, actually. I can borrow her stuff. She can borrow my stuff. I guess we have what you'd call a don't-ask policy. Oscar: Like the military. Lacey: Not exactly. Karen: Next time not so fast. Someone borrowed my regular ones. Wanda: That's a lot of stuff. Hank: I guess you could say it's a pant load. Brent: Breath mints, bug spray, lighter, tweezers. Who are ya like, the guy? That guy from the TV show, always buildin' anything outta stuff. Hank: MacGyver? Brent: Who are ya, MacGyver? Wanda: Don't derail him. He's finally getting breath mints. Brent: Go ahead and laugh. But you multiply the time it takes you to make fun of me by three and then add a year and then divide that by your age and, you know, you're wastin' a good 20, 30 years of your life, right there. Wanda: Yeah? Well, time well wasted. Hank: You know, this is a big responsibility. I got a lotta pockets to fill, a lot of contingencies to be ready for. Brent: You got any money? Hank: Out in my truck. Lacey: Thank you for the sunglasses. I guess you've learned a little lesson, huh? Karen: Yeah. Here's your iPod. Lacey: You borrowed my iPod? This was in my purse. Karen: I know. Behind the counter, below the till. By the way, you're out of red lipstick. Lacey: Oh, fine. I guess you're okay if I borrow this, then? Karen: Yep. Lacey: Maybe I'll make some long distance calls. Karen: Knock yourself out. See ya. Davis: Hey, where's my cell phone? Brent: Hey, pass me the jam. Hank: I could waste valuable time reachin' for that jam, or I could give you one of mine. Brent: Mmm, warm jam from your pants. Well, let me think about that while Lacey passes me the jam that's not from your pants. Lacey: Oh. Just a sec. I gotta wipe my hands. Hank: Oh, hold on, hold on. Lacey: Wow. Thanks, Hank. Hank: You want peanut butter for that? Brent: No. Lacey: Those pants have everything. Hank: Yeah. Let my pants surprise you. Come on, challenge me. Brent: Okay. How about pliers? Hank: Oh, I, I don't know, Brent. Brent: Not as smart as you thought. Hank: Regular or needle nose? Karen: What happened to my computer? Davis: What do you think happened to your computer? Hank: Anybody need a laptop? Davis: No. Lacey took it. Karen: Why didn't you stop her? Davis: I'm not good at confrontation. Karen: You're a cop. You have to take people on. Davis: Okay, okay, whatever you say. Karen: I made popcorn. Emma: Oh, you're a wonderful host. Karen: Mmm, my pleasure. It gives me a chance to use this new DVD player. Oscar: What are we watchin', again? Emma: What do you care? You'll be asleep. Wanda: Long Weekend of Evil. Brent: Is that in May? Oh, geez. I don't like this already. Emma: Nothing's happened yet. Oscar: Who's that guy? Why's he gettin' outta the car? Is that his cabin or her cabin? What do you think a place like that would go for? Wanda: All good questions, Oscar. Why don't you close your eyes and think about them for a while. Karen: Oh, don't go in there. Wanda: Betcha a cat's gonna jump out. Brent: A cat? When? Emma: We don't know when. Brent: Why do cats gotta jump out at people all the time? Wanda: Here, kitty kitty. Or buzz saw. Brent: I'm just glad it wasn't a cat. Karen: Took his head clean off. Emma: Clean? There's blood everywhere. Brent: Looks like it's her cabin now, eh, Dad? Davis: You okay? Hank: Oh, I'm more than okay. I'm fully loaded to maximum pant capacity. Check this out. Phil Kinistino: Hey, Hank. Can I get ya anything? Hank: Uh, no thanks, Phil. I'm good. Heh-heh-heh. Pretty cool, huh? Davis: Wow. I gotta admit, I'm impressed. Hank: Hey, beer's on me tonight. Hey. Oh, whoa, woo. Where'd that come from? Geesh. Davis: You got one for me? Hank: I can make ya a daiquiri. Wanda: It's over? Oscar: Huh? Wanda: The evil guy's not dead yet. Well, that's just freaky. Emma: That was the scariest movie I've seen yet. Brent: If you got a cat, put a bell around its neck so you know where it is. Oscar: Who won? Brent: Team Canada. Lacey: Um, hello? Wanda: Oh, hey, Lacey. Lacey: What are you all doing in my house? Emma: Oh, we're watching a movie. Lacey: Oh. Oscar: It's about some stupid evil cat, but it won't die. And Team Canada tries to kill it. Brent: Your sentences are like quilts. Lacey: You just let yourselves into my house? Emma: No. Karen invited us. Karen: I found jujubes! Oh. Hi, Lacey. Lacey: You borrowed my house. Brent: Well, there should be some scary music right about now. Hank: Hey, Brent. I need to pick up a few things. Brent: Ribbon, plastic spoons, dental floss, taco shells. What, are you opening your own Wal-Mart? Hank: Man, it's these pants. They're never satisfied. Brent: Well, I don't even carry half this stuff. Pogs? Hank: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. There's just no pleasin' these pants. Phil Mallett (Needy Guy): Hey, uh, Hank, have you got a thimble? Hank: What do you people want from me? Brent: I'm not sure. But he wants a thimble. Hank: Put it on the list. Lacey: Did you have fun borrowing my house? Karen: It wasn't your house, it was just your living room. Besides, you using my laptop was like borrowing my whole office. Lacey: I didn't let Oscar drool all over your computer. Karen: You replaced the high scores on my computer games. Lacey: Yeah. Well, that wasn't very hard to do. You really suck at mah-jong. Karen: Fine. When it comes to borrowing, the gloves are off. Lacey: All right, I guess they are. Now, should I charge you for those fries, or are you just going to borrow them? Karen: I'll pay for them. Can I borrow some money? Lacey: Take it outta here. I borrowed your purse. Emma: Oscar, can you go down in the basement and get me a jar of pickles? Oscar: Why can't you do it? You're closer. Emma: Because I'm busy. Oscar: Oh, I get it. You're scared to go down in the basement because of that dumb movie. Emma: No, I'm not. Oscar: Is the bogey man waiting under the stairs? Emma: Just go get the pickles. Oscar: Are you kidding? Who knows what kinda lunatic's down there. Hank: Oh, man, I'm not sure this is all worth it. I mean, sure, it's nice being all self-sufficient, but it seems my whole life revolves around my pants. Lacey: Well, it seems to me like those pants are wearin' the pants in this relationship. Hank: You think so? Lacey: I know so. I have been in relationships like this before, normally with people. You know at first everything is great. And then the novelty wears off and then it's all me, me, me, me, me, me. Hank: Is that why they dump you? Lacey: The point is, maybe the best thing for you is to break up with your pants. Hank: Whoa. You talk about them like they're not even here. Brent: That was Mom. Her and Dad are too afraid to go down in the basement. Wanda: Geez, your folks got a good handle on reality. Do they think there's an axe murderer hiding in the potato bin? Brent: In with the pickles, actually. Wanda: Oh. Brent: So now they need me to go down there for them. Hey, while I'm gone, could you clean the stock room? Wanda: What? By myself? Karen: You sure you want to do this? Hank: This way there's closure. It's not you, it's me. Whoa-ooo! Hoo-hoo-hoo! That was awesome! Karen: Buy me lunch? Hank: Huh? Oh. I can't. I just realized my debit card's still in those pants. Lacey: Great. Now you're borrowing my wood chipper. Brent: Well, here you go, one jar of pickles. Found them right behind the severed heads. Emma: We're just taking extra care to make sure we're safe in our home and you make fun of us. Brent: Well, I'm not as sensitive now that you've turned me into a man. Oscar: I'm finally kinda proud of ya. Can you go to the shed and get my rake? Brent: Why are you freaked out? You didn't even see the movie. Oscar: I saw the credits. Some of the letters were bleeding. Lacey: I borrowed your curling iron. I hope that's okay. Karen: Sure, it's fine. Lacey: Feel free to say if it's not. Karen: No, I'm happy. You happy? Lacey: I'm happy. Karen: Because you're probably gettin' tired of this. Lacey: No. Are you? Karen: No. It's great. Lacey: I'm late for work. This okay? Karen: Sure. Lacey: Great. Davis: Hey, you never let me use the sirens. Brent: Hey, what's goin' on? Whoa! Whoo-woo! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wanda: Sorry. I thought you were a psycho. Brent: Yeah, I'm the psycho. Okay, that's it. No more slasher flicks. I think it's time I broadened everyone's horizons with a little culture. Emma: Slam Dunk Money? Brent: Trust me. Of all the animals-playing-sports movies, this is one of the best. Oscar: That monkey's not wearin' a shirt. How can you tell which team he's playin' for? Wanda: The monkey plays basketball? How high can that thing jump? Brent: Actually, he just runs up the pole and stands on the backboard. Emma: Oh, come on. Even I know that's not allowed. Brent: It's not. Until crusty league commissioner Ed Asner is forced to change the rules. Oh, but I've said too much. Let's just watch. Wanda: Maybe the monkey will be playing against Team Canada, eh, Oscar? Lacey: Okay, I'm going to bed. Lock up when you leave. Emma: Goodnight. Brent: Night. Wanda: Night. Oscar: Oh, Hank, you got any dental floss? Hank: Uh, nope. Sorry, I can't help ya. Isn't that great? Oscar: I guess. Davis: Back to the old pants, I see. Hank: Yep. No more pockets to answer to. I'm a free man. Davis: I guess a part of me misses the old Hank, the old new Hank. Hank: Aw. Well, the new old Hank's starvin'. How about some lunch? I'm buyin'. Davis: I guess this means I'm back to waitin' for you to get stuff outta your truck? Hank: Nope. I decided to get a wallet. This solves all my problems. Davis: It sure does. Category:Transcripts